Exploring my anxieties

• A personal write up
• Practicality: ♥ • • • •
• Theoretical: ♥ • • • •

Everyday on my way to work, when I’m mentally preparing the upcoming day, I get tension in my legs as if adrenaline fills my veins. I have the feeling I need to work on something big, bigger than what I’m currently working on. Somehow, I feel I’m meant. to work on something much larger, more epic in scale and more meaningful. For me, for humanity, whatever. Solving bigger issues, helping people, fix broken things.

But I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m meant to do. Is it just wishful thinking? Am I just thinking too much about myself.

One of the things I feel I need to work on now is discipline. Discipline on multiple things in my life, but at least to do something good for me, everyday, at the same time. Like writing, or exercising.

I’m rigorously disciplined in checking my phone and scroll through endless pages of crap on social media, which is filled with “advice” of successful people, explaining how they got there. And this may fuel my desires even more, unrealistically more. While even the most basic of exercises such as stretching 10 times while taking a shower are often already “forgotten” while I’m contemplating about them.

Why are certain things so hard to get disciplined at? (Could I make a game for myself, and would that help me get disciplined?) Why is it so hard for me? Most of the thing I like to get disciplined at are simple things, things that are easy to do and only would take a few minutes a day or less. And the funny thing is, I see myself as a person who should quite easily be able to get disciplined at anything. So why is it not?

Like with most things in life, I guess I’m my own worst enemy. I’m being too hard on myself. I’m too demanding. I don’t celebrate what I do achieve enough. Maybe my feeling of lacking discipline comes from being a perfectionist. For instance, before I write an article I worry too much. Is the idea that I like to write about developed enough. Can I clearly explain what I mean? Will it be beneficial to others? Will others think I’m smart for coming up with a particular idea or theory?

Why am I doubting myself? Why does it matter? Why does an idea have to be complete before starting to jolt it down? Why should others think I’m smart? Why are others more important? In fact, why do my believes about what others might think of me matter? What kind of trap am I creating for myself? No wonder I will procrastinate starting something if I’m throwing boundaries up.

So, with this blog post I decided it was time to change something. I didn’t know up front what I was going to write, or where it would lead me, or even if it would be worth posting. I still don’t know now if it is worth posting. But like many of the “successful people” will tell me on social media, just start. I’m actively side stepping the barriers that I’ve been cultivating for many years. I’m slowly letting go of these treasured thresholds that have served me for decades. But when habits become obstructions, its time to let them go. Maybe, if I just start it will end in something big.